Saving your relationship after an affair

You have been cheated on by your partner. You found out that he/she had an affair with someone else. How do you deal with this? What do you even want in your relationship and do you see a way out or solution? It’s important to know what you want. Do you end the relationship or do you continue to fight for your relationship because your feelings for the other person are still too deeply rooted.

The discovery of an affair

The discovery of your partner’s love affair will make you overcome with a lot of anger. No matter how you react, the feeling of powerlessness still dominates reality too much. You thought this would never happen to you. How can you best deal with this if this painful event happens to you and how can you possibly forgive it?

Expressing feelings is important

The first thing you will have to do when you find out that your partner is having an affair is to release all your emotions. Holding your feelings inside only makes you feel worse. This causes a lot of stress (psychological and mental). Once you have thrown out all your emotions, you can think more calmly and rationally for yourself. At some point you start to examine your relationship, asking yourself where things could have gone wrong and whether you feel it has always been a good relationship. You automatically create a list of questions to which you do not yet have the answers and you feel like this will be a hopeless search for those answers. Everything really does become clearer over time. First it’s important to sort out your emotions.

It’s not always your relationship

Once you have sorted out your emotions and have a clearer picture of your relationship, it’s important to remember not to let that affair get too much attention and overshadow your life. Even though at that moment it seems like the end of the world. The fact is that this is not the end of your world, but a change in how you view the world, and that is understandable. Understand very well that that affair has nothing to do with the love your partner has for you. Don’t see it as that you are a failure in your relationship. What such an affair can tell you is that there are a number of things that need explicit attention. It is very normal (especially in the beginning) to be very angry and not able to have a calm discussion. Let him or her know that you are angry and deeply affected that he or she chose to have an affair rather than talk through the relationship problems. Then indicate that you are not ready to talk about this yet.

Try to get your relationship back on track

When you’re ready to start talking, the question is, where do I start? Try to keep the image of the affair out of your mind, otherwise it will be difficult to start a conversation. Try to stay strong and avoid all unnecessary painful memories that will in no way make you feel better or get your relationship back on track. You really know what happens during an affair and when two people are intimate with each other, so forget the details and spare yourself. You will need to keep the focus on finding the reasons for the affair and ways to resume your relationship together. Good communication is the right way to restore your relationship. Do your best to ask the right questions and listen with great attention and try to show understanding in certain actions. So that you can perhaps prevent this in the future.

Clarity in the relationship

Anger and other emotions will surface as you and your partner try to improve the relationship. This can also sometimes cause you to explode during discussions, as thoughts of the affair and how your partner cheated on you may surface. You suddenly realize how stupid you feel and how disrespectful this all is. Your partner may also become angry during the discussions, mainly because he/she feels attacked (especially if he/she has already confessed and shown remorse several times). Before you even start discussing the content of the relationship and the affair, be clear with each other and make sure that you agree in advance that you will both show anger and not always agree with everything. You will both need to be patient with each other’s feelings because it takes time to get past the emotional outbursts. If the conversations get out of hand and you notice that you are no longer talking but shouting and blaming each other, then it is time to end the conversation. At such a moment you will have to give each other some space and time. You may have to do this several times until you are talking without these strong emotions. Try to take it step by step and not sleep too hard. If you and your partner have decided to start working on it, there is no need to rush and panic.

Rebuilding your relationship

After you and your partner have cleared everything out and the basis of the affair is recognized by both, you can start focusing on trust and forgiveness. Forgiving the affair doesn’t mean you’ll forget it, but it means you’ve accepted it and are ready to look forward together without bringing the past back into the picture. It will be difficult to trust your partner blindly again, but you will have to do your best. Trust will eventually grow as your partner convinces you more and more. You can’t possibly keep your partner on a leash and keep an eye on him at all times of the day. And you wouldn’t want that either. Don’t automatically assume that things will magically improve, that will only end in disappointment. Rebuilding trust and passion in your relationship will take time and will not happen overnight. If you are not successful, professional help, such as relationship therapy, would also suffice.

Your self-esteem and the relationship

It is also important to get your self-esteem right. This will also make you better in your relationship. Your self-values will be the basis for a good relationship and its reconstruction. It won’t happen naturally, you’ll have to fight for it. In any case, if that’s what you want, of course. A relationship must feel feasible to you. Otherwise, divorce is inevitable.

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